Do you ever wonder what you did with your day?
I do.
It's quite common for me to be awoken at 6:30 and not to return to the comfortable dent in my pillow until midnight. And yet, I struggle to see what it is I have achieved with those 18.5 waking hours!
That's not to say I am participating in some experiment to test the 'lady-of-leisure' title to breaking point by lollopping on the sofa all day - far from it. My time is occupied by a plethora of roles, responsibilities and tasks. I wear so many different hats, I often can't keep track of them all. But being busy doesn't necessarily mean you've achieved anything.
I think the difference for me is satisfaction. That's the missing element required to convert 'busy'ness to 'achievement'. And when you go for long enough without feeling like you've got anything to show for your efforts, it is soul-destroying. Yes, I have managed to keep the children alive, the washing in its constant clean-dirty-wet-dry-clean cycle, the dishwasher churning. I have even maintained some standard of personal hygiene, playful affection with my partner and optimism that life won't always feel like this! But these things have to be done again, and again, and again without moving life forwards in any way. If I didn't do them one day, we wouldn't move backwards, life would merely hiccup.
My partner can't always see what I'm whinging about. He can see how busy I've been and thinks I'm knitting with only one needle when I suggest at 11pm I might go and unpack some boxes (from our house move in July)/audit the kids toy collection/hoover the ground floor. He doesn't realise that these are things on the other list of stuff I want to get done and that will make me feel a sense of achievement. I can tick them off life's 'To Do' list. No-one has 'Provide breakfast/lunch/dinner' on their list. 'Breastfeed the baby'. 'Put the shopping away'.
Crazy though this behaviour might seem, it can make a real difference. Anyone who has experienced depression will be familiar with the negativity surrounding a feeling of not being in control of one's life, being on auto-pilot, marking time. It's a slippery slope and allowing days to trickle by without so much as a teeny step being taken in the right direction can be the first step on that slope which will have you on your arse before you can say bugger.
I started a list today. Actually, I created a group on a messaging app for just me and my partner. It's called Achievements. We have plenty of lists around with umpteen tasks we should have done before we moved. They do work for us. But I wanted somewhere we could go to remind us what we've got done rather than haven't even looked at yet. Some days it will only be something little - I realise that. ubt at least it's something. Today, my achievements are [just checking my messaging group with a smug grin in place] enquiring about nursery places for our toddler (and ending up with an appointment for Monday morning!), sourcing this year's real Christmas tree (IKEA from 26th November and only £30 for 6-7ft!) and WRITING THIS POST! Genius!
I'm not going to cure cancer, end famine or achieve world peace. But it might make me feel better about staying at home all day wiping up sick, snot and skids!
#PondersNeverEnd #CrazyStupidDepression
